It is crazy to look back and see that my last post was well over a year ago and yet, so much life has happened since then. So much healing, so many new adventures, friendships, business ventures, the love of my life who I get to marry in about a month. I quit writing, for a few reasons but the main two; I was "too busy", and I truly have felt completely inadequate to share anything of substance with those around me. I have felt completely unworthy and as if what I had to say held no value because of life choices and sin. I allowed satan to keep me from using my voice as a tool to love and encourage others because I was filled with shame and complete unworthiness and validity.
WELL, I am back in full vengeance against the enemy who has kept me pinned down for way too long. Over the last year there have been so times and so many things I have wanted to share but have stayed silent. With that being said, here I am again bolder and with more faith and worth. I thought I would start my love of writing again by sharing all God has done in my heart by sharing my life testimony(Take that satan!!). After all, it takes trials to have a testimony.
General Life Backgroud:
I was born into a family full of chaos. Had two older sisters. Mother with mental issues, who was physically abusive in ways that have left literal scares. She would lock us out of the house for days and we would eat cabbage out of the neighbors garden. Her boyfriends were sexually and physically abusive to us(my sisters remember much more than I do, thank goodness). My bio father was in and out jail because he was an alcoholic with multiple DUI's. My two older sisters and I moved in with our grandparents when I was about 5 years old, but had free reign of the house, no rules, lots of yelling. When I was 6, grandparents could not endure the chaos of raising three little girls plus still one of their very own. We bounced from one home to the next till we were placed for adoption, but not together. My sisters and I were separated into 3 different homes, because no one wanted to take in a sibling set of 3, especially an older set of sisters.
Realization of Personal destruction:
I was adopted by a family who had a one year old son. At the time, I did not fully understood all that took place and enjoyed what I thought was a honeymoon period. As that started to wear off and confusion, anger, sadness and this overwhelming sense of guilt that I has caused it all to happen put me into a season of bad behavior. I missed my grandparents and my sisters, but couldn't see them. The people that adopted me, didn’t give up. They loved me in my ugliness, when I called them awful names(repeating what I heard as a child), when I stole from shops or even people we knew. When I hurt my little brother and had no remorse. I was broken beyond what I thought could ever be repaired. So I thought. My parents took me to church every week, they prayed with me, they prayed silently for me, they had their family and friends praying for me…I fought them every step of the way. Sunday’s were the worst. I struggled with the worst migraines that would cause me to puke violently every sunday. Sundays were a trigger for me for some reason and I often experienced horrible migraines. To this day, I still struggle weekly with them.
Acceptance of Christ’s Redemption:
It wasn’t until I was almost 10, that it all started making sense. I eased into a routine with my new family who desperately tried to show me unconditional love. I was actually eating home cooked food at regular times, rather than constant snacks and fast food. I began to accept the fact that I was where I was and it wasn’t going to change. As I began to open my mind and ears, my heart began to open. I yearned for more, to feel normal, accepted and loved. Mom and dad continued to show me who this Jesus dude was and that He and He alone was the only one who would be able to take away the the pain of the past. They told me I wouldn’t forget it, but that He would be my guide. They had me memorize the verse: Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. It was Easter, and our church shared a movie called Passion of the Christ. This movie rocked my world. This Jesus suffered a brutal death so that I would be forgiven and have eternal life? To think that someone would die like that for me, made me want to know more. A week later, as I looked up to the stars(sounds cheesy, but I was ten) I asked Jesus to come into my life. To save me from the anger, bitterness, sadness and pain I had harbored. To be my guide and healer.
Restoration from the brokeness:
That decision to give my life to following Jesus, knowing He would guide me in the good and the bad didn’t immediately fix the pain I had experienced, but I as jumped into God’s word, surrounded myself with positive people who wanted to succeed in life, who wanted more than just living for the moment the change in my heart began to be high priority in my life. As the change in my heart continued, I yearned for more and more! I also wanted to share the hope I had found and began serving at my church on different missions trips during high school and even after.
Highschool and college were a breeze for me in many ways, but after college, my need for acceptance, love, attention and control, led me down a path of destruction. after what might have been the worst year of my life since I was six, I went on a missions trip to Africa, met a lady who forever changed my life and perspective on my value. She told me I was enough because of who God is. That my level of performance and success didn’t matter and bring value to who I was created to be unless I was doing it all for the right reasons.
Direction of God’s Leading:
For a portion of my life, I tried to show others as much curb appeal as I could, covering up as much pain, trying to control, blaming everyone else for my actions. There came a point that I had to face the truth and be honest about who I was and what was a part of me, embracing it all as part of my story. I still have to remind myself that I am forgiven, and that I am not a puppet that God controls, but rather He is my savior who loves me more than I can even comprehend. He is my firm FOUNDATION!! HE is my encourager and gives hope to me in situations I feel paralyzed by.
Life is a series of choices that we make in split seconds that can have years of lasting effects. This can also be called the Dominio Chain or effect. Choices can be positive that end up putting us in the right place at the right time that allow us opportunities we thought were only in our dreams, or choices can cause a lifetime of anguish and pain. Some choices are made for us and they aren’t always good, and sometimes God's plan is a NO when we want it to be a YES. There are people who are placed in our lives to help guide us and encourage us to make better choices than our bio-parents, grandparents or even our friends have made.
We have the opportunity to stand up, to say NO MORE and surrender our life to Christ and start a new Domino chain with the word of God Leading us on the journey. Now, to get really transparent...I have struggled, especially over the last 5-6 years to remain faithful and steadfast in my faith. I have gone through a divorce, several relationships; one of which left me in pieces that forced me to deal with some deep rooted pain and rejection that was birthed from a chaotic childhood. I have dated around, done thing I am not proud of to seek attention and love. I have sought attention and by doing so have opened myself up to a multitude of vulnerable, compromising situations. You know what is cool about all of that though, never once has God pushed me away, never once did HE ever make me feel unworthy of forgiven and second chances. Nothing we can do can keep us from HIS love. We may face earthly judgements and feel shame and dishonor but at the end of the day do those opinions of other sinful humans matter? It's almost comical to think about how much we judge each other and with hold love based on sin...sin that every one commits.
My Parents and Friends:
Parents
Simply put, my adoptive parents. My parents. They are amazing, steadfast, committed, dedicated, strong and beyond loving when I did not deserve it. I truly would not be where I am now without their guidance and persistence. I have been unloveable so many time and yet they have always pursued me not matter what choices I made. They might not have agreed. There were consequences, but all of it in love. All of it to give guidance and direction. I am truly overwhelmed by tears as I write this thinking back on all the times they loved me when I felt as if they shouldn't. Thank you Mom and Dad. You are the BIGGEST blessings in my life.
Friends
This I will keep short. Surround yourself with people who want better, who point you towards Christ and encourage you. Surround yourself with friends who will hold you accountable and tell you when you are wrong and celebrate when you make great strides in life. Find a spouse or significant other who will love you through your ugliest moments and sweetest, accomplished ones. Don't be too proud to love ALL around you, but be smart enough to set boundaries and know your worth.
My Challenge: As you go about a new week, I want you to pray about one thing that God is asking you to surrender to Him. A choice that you keep making that is not glorifying to God or that is a bad example to those around you. in Romans 12 it says: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but instead be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Than you will be able to test and approve what God’s plan is for your life, His good, pleasing and perfect plan! I want you to then ask God to help you overcome that in a way that will start a new kind of positive Domino effect for those around you. Perhaps it is stealing, anger, complaining, sex, greed, bitterness, or perhaps He will lead you to think of someone or maybe several people you need to forgive who have hurt you bad. Pray about this, find some time to be silent with no distractions and hear what the Lord would want you to surrender so you can grow closer to Him. You may know immediately or it may take some for it to come to your attention.
Life is a series of choices that we make in split seconds that can have years of lasting effects. This can also be called the Dominio Chain or effect. Choices can be positive that end up putting us in the right place at the right time that allow us opportunities we thought were only in our dreams, or choices can cause a lifetime of anguish and pain. Some choices are made for us and they aren’t always good, and sometimes God's plan is a NO when we want it to be a YES. There are people who are placed in our lives to help guide us and encourage us to make better choices than our bio-parents, grandparents or even our friends have made.
We have the opportunity to stand up, to say NO MORE and surrender our life to Christ and start a new Domino chain with the word of God Leading us on the journey. Now, to get really transparent...I have struggled, especially over the last 5-6 years to remain faithful and steadfast in my faith. I have gone through a divorce, several relationships; one of which left me in pieces that forced me to deal with some deep rooted pain and rejection that was birthed from a chaotic childhood. I have dated around, done thing I am not proud of to seek attention and love. I have sought attention and by doing so have opened myself up to a multitude of vulnerable, compromising situations. You know what is cool about all of that though, never once has God pushed me away, never once did HE ever make me feel unworthy of forgiven and second chances. Nothing we can do can keep us from HIS love. We may face earthly judgements and feel shame and dishonor but at the end of the day do those opinions of other sinful humans matter? It's almost comical to think about how much we judge each other and with hold love based on sin...sin that every one commits.
My Parents and Friends:
Parents
Simply put, my adoptive parents. My parents. They are amazing, steadfast, committed, dedicated, strong and beyond loving when I did not deserve it. I truly would not be where I am now without their guidance and persistence. I have been unloveable so many time and yet they have always pursued me not matter what choices I made. They might not have agreed. There were consequences, but all of it in love. All of it to give guidance and direction. I am truly overwhelmed by tears as I write this thinking back on all the times they loved me when I felt as if they shouldn't. Thank you Mom and Dad. You are the BIGGEST blessings in my life.
Friends
This I will keep short. Surround yourself with people who want better, who point you towards Christ and encourage you. Surround yourself with friends who will hold you accountable and tell you when you are wrong and celebrate when you make great strides in life. Find a spouse or significant other who will love you through your ugliest moments and sweetest, accomplished ones. Don't be too proud to love ALL around you, but be smart enough to set boundaries and know your worth.
My Challenge: As you go about a new week, I want you to pray about one thing that God is asking you to surrender to Him. A choice that you keep making that is not glorifying to God or that is a bad example to those around you. in Romans 12 it says: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but instead be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Than you will be able to test and approve what God’s plan is for your life, His good, pleasing and perfect plan! I want you to then ask God to help you overcome that in a way that will start a new kind of positive Domino effect for those around you. Perhaps it is stealing, anger, complaining, sex, greed, bitterness, or perhaps He will lead you to think of someone or maybe several people you need to forgive who have hurt you bad. Pray about this, find some time to be silent with no distractions and hear what the Lord would want you to surrender so you can grow closer to Him. You may know immediately or it may take some for it to come to your attention.
Comments
Post a Comment