Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Sweet Release

Ivan has been a part of the symphony in the Flint hills for sometime now. I took myself and my friend Jessica to attend the event as guests….it felt strange to not have to coordinate, set up or stress about any logistics changing caused by the massive wind gusts. I napped in the tall grass, rode on a covered wagon, drank some wine, and enjoyed watching my man run around like a chicken with his head cut off. I think he may respect my job just a little bit more after the chaos he encountered. 

Jessica and I got a bit tired from the continuous wind...we went prairie mad and decided to head home. On the way to the Symphony, I showed Jess the area that my biological grandparents lived in. I got a strong urge to pay visit to the home that held some great memories and other memories I would just assume be forgotten forever. The joy, the pain, the anger and sadness that came out of the home has been something I have not revisited for years. 

Before going on, I want to stress the importance of true, genuine friendship. The kind where you can stand before each other in complete nakedness to shame, sin and pain. The kind where you can laugh in complete joy one minute and bawl in the next. I have been blessed by several of these ladies, but in this instance this weekend, one in particular became a rock, a shoulder, and a dependance I have never known before. 

We arrived at the wee little home that I expected to be covered in weeds and abandoned. To my surprise it was well kept, and someone was in deed living there. As we approached, an older woman and her husband came out to greet us, weary of our presence. I got out of the car and introduced myself and told her that I had lived in the tiny house with my grandparents, aunt, sisters and whoever else was around. I shared several memories of the creek at the back of the property and the barn where we would place a piece of wood on a big rock that stuck out of the ground and would pretend to surf while singing songs from the Beach Boys. Sadly, she seemed less than interested in letting us explore and in that instance I was extremely disappointed. 

As we got in the car I took one last look around, taking in the sights, smells and sounds that surrounded the house. Tears began to well, and tears became silent crying as I tried to hold it all in. As we drove off….almost hitting a tree on the way out due to teary eyes…..my dear Jess turned on a song by Miranda Lambert-The House That Built Me. This part of the song got me and got me good……
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

As we drove somewhat slowly through the now, flood of tears, I knew that it was time. Time to search for true healing from a past that has in some ways held me in bondage. As we drove through good ol’ Eldorado, we came up on a carnival….looking at each other through tears, Jess asked what I was thinking; “Do you want to ride the Ferris Wheel?”
Of course I said yes, and we parked. As we walked towards the entrance, a lady that was leaving handed us her bracelet for an “all you can ride” pass. I shouldn’t expect anything different, but it amazes me how God is before us and our needs. He loves us and shows us in the smallest little ways. Needless to say, this gave us a little extra skip in our step and allowed us some time to clear our heads and breath, just breath. 

For as long as I have known better, I have walked around feeling rejected by those that were to suppose to love me. I have done what I could to push buttons to see if friends and other people would reject me too….some leaving due to my own doing and others staying, figuring me out and putting me in my place. The problem with all of this is I have never allowed myself the opportunity to truly find healing from the rejection mindset. I stuff all feelings of fear, hurt and anger as far down as it will go so that I do not feel any pain or sadness, but lately, I have been experiencing vivid dreams of my grandmother causing me to wonder if it is time to allow the pain to surface and allow the truth to rear its ugly head. 

Jessica offered to make a gorgeous flower arrangement to take to my grandma’s grave and spend time just talking to her like I did right after she died. I have so many questions, things that I have wondered all my life and the only one I feel who could give me the answers that I feel would suffice. She was my best friend and the one that loved me unconditionally and yet she was not longer around to sit with me to hear truth, cry over things lost and laugh over silly moments shared together. 

Well, after this weekend and yesterday processing all my thoughts and feelings, I met with my dear friend Tracy today, who is very intuitive and exceptional wise. As we spoke I shared with her my experience over the last few days. One thing I took from our time together was all too simple. Something I had never thought of……”You were not REJECTED, you were RELEASED!” Wow, this thought was powerful. I was released to a better future, a better friendship, a better way of dealing, a better way of finding compassion and love for others. I was RELEASED into a family who showed me a love that was not shown to me in any other way before. 

I am overwhelmed by God’s timing and His ability to RELEASE us from the burdens of our sins and release us from carrying the burdens of other peoples sin. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My focus is not on a negative rejected feeling,  but rather on a positive release of the reigns I have held on my life with my white knuckled grip. 

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