The Misplaced Eyebrow

For as long as I can remember, I’ve spent my life becoming what everyone else needed/expected me to be. That has meant selling myself short and losing all sense of personal awareness. That has meant creating a persona to cover up that very scared, sensitive, insecure person. Scared of rejection, scared of not being good enough, or worthy of genuine love if I didn't do or behave a certain way....the belief that I was not smart enough to achieve great things. It has meant I doubted the ability to lead and love the way I was truly meant to. It has meant no boundaries or self worth. It has meant grace for everyone else but myself. It has meant trying to control every square inch of my life, while pretending to fully trust in the Lord, only secretly doubting Him all along. It has meant hiding my imperfections by downloading only the best photo editing apps that insta beauty me to flawless perfection. 

It has meant being the life of the party when deep down I want to hide. It has meant committing to every work related request, social event, committee, friend request, coffee date, lunch, dinner, errands, babysitting, pet sitting, money spending activity while avoiding the very things that needed my attention most; my two daughters. It has meant seeking attention from men to gain confidence only for the feeling to last a mere second.

This persona I created as a child to survive has been the very thing that is killing me from the inside out as an adult. Out of a massive fear of rejection, I’ve completely exhausted myself trying to become what I’ve made everyone believe I am. 

I believe at the core of each of us is the ability to be put together, successful, beautiful, confident, strong, capable, independent, joyfilled, enough, Christ centered...but there’s a difference in knowing and believing it. It’s true, I haven't believed any of that about myself for 34 years. Until now. 

I recently told a friend that I feel like the modern day Julia Roberts. It took an earth shaking "opportunity" for me to finally begin to peel off the mask. To carefully pull back each layer of insecurity to reveal who I really am. It took excruciating rejection for me to see my worth, and to truly make my faith in a God who says "I am the way", my own tangible relationship. It took sleepless nights for me to gain strength and confidence. It took oceans of ugly tears for me to see my beauty; both inside and out. It has taken complete loneliness for me to discover what I enjoy and learn to be comfortable in silence or much needed time by myself. It has taken one beating after another for me to realize that I am enough because of what Christ did for me on the cross, not because of the acceptance and love I receive from fallible humans. All of these things have created an incredible awareness within me. This is what I believe to be the first step to healing. AWARENESS! 

As part of this journey to rediscover "me", not only as a child of God, but as a mother, daughter, friend, and business owner, I set some goals, made some personal commitments and set out on a few journeys to help dissipate the persona and gain confidence and strength in being raw, completely transparent and even more volunerable than before, Ashley Danielle Marie Moore. None of these realizations would have occurred had I not had complete ruin. It had to start from within. It had to be completely broken, in order to be put back together the way I am meant to be. 

I recently spoke with a good friend and incredible photographer and I was inspired; by not only his work but his passion for the people his photographs and positive outlook on our purpose and life.

You see, every photo I’ve ever taken I have picked apart to some degree. From my weight, to my nose, wrinkles, rolls, angle...I started editing my own photos to create an image I felt would be accepted and loved by those who saw it. Ready for a laugh? The best one I ever edited had a minor defect...a friend brought to my attention that I had an eyebrow on my hat...editing fail, but at least it got lots of good laughs!;) The same friend recently texted me to tell me to stop editing my photos because she felt I was beautiful without it. I laughed at her and told her I had just been rejected so until I felt better about myself I was going to continue editing...

Cool eyebrow, huh?
As I spoke to Aaron that day I expressed my desire to do a shoot that was real, genuine, raw, mysterious...he finished the meeting by saying what I was trying to convey but didn’t have the right words to describe since they hadn’t been a part of my vocabulary before: STRONG and CONFIDENT. Exactly Aaron!!! I want to believe in my own strength and confidence...not just tip-toe around it!! I want to believe that I am enough for myself and that I am loved for just being me and nothing more. I want to believe I am those things because I have a God who is carrying the load of rejection for me and sees me far beyond all the lies I've believed for so long. It begins in the heart and while that is being still being molded and transformed, I believe being comfortable in my own God given skin and body, full of imperfections is a part of healing and gaining respect for myself. 

Aaron! Thank you beyond for working with me and joining me on this journey to discover who I am without the need for a relationship or others to define that for me. For showing me that I am beautiful without all the editing because it is truly the heart that matters. This journey was uncomfortable for me because I it was unfamiliar waters that I have never explored. I allowed great fear to hold me back! I know that it will all be worth the discomfort in the end. 

As much as I want to be magically healed of all insecurities with the tap of my foot, I’m realizing that sometimes I have to just sit and feel my junk. That is part of processing. Allowing ourselves to feel it to our core. I still struggle daily with overcoming my insecurities, but I’m aware of it now. I pray this is an encouragement to you, as YOU find true confidence and strength in who God created you to be. No more, no less...just good ol’ you. You are enough because of His sacrifice. 

Photo shoot Talented Photographer: Aaron Patton